For so long I have resisted buying these "You Park Like Shit" clings, created by the one and only, most fabulous mixedspecies clan, but I don't think I should wait any longer. First of all, I can't resist, second of all they will fill a very big void in my life, the one where I am a self appointed traffic and parking cop, and to top that off, I simply *NEED* them. In fact, I think they should make something that applies to road rage and horrible drivers. Maybe something I can throw at cars that piss me off...something that would be...I don't know.....permanent. People driving around this town would know that someone's been tagged by yours truly as a jackass driver.
Thinking back, about 10 years ago, I loved to drive. I'd get in my car and cruise to the beach for the weekend, I'd think nothing of driving 4 hours to go skiing on a moment's notice. Now a days, when someone even mentions going food shopping, at the commissary which is only about 2 miles from my house, I cringe. And that's not even off base! I hate to drive. I knew just how bad things had gotten when my then 2 year old piped in with "Get off the phone and drive A**hole!" while I was swerving to avoid a wreck once while driving in rush hour traffic in Las Vegas.
I mean, what is wrong with people? Is it really that hard to simply use a blinker? Or even better, when you're done with it, you have the ability to shut it off! Don't drive for 10 miles with it on either. Please don't ride in my blind spot, tailgate me or cut me off. When *I* have my blinker on, it's because I *do* intend to use it. Please don't speed up so I can't. My kids know enough colorful language, they don't need to learn more. Don't drive next to me in your Lincoln Navigator or Chevy Tahoe and size me up like you want to race. I drive an Expedition because a) I have 3 kids and a dog, and two kids that I babysit and have to tote around also b) we have a camper that we need to pull and c) I like to be bigger than jerks in their mid life crisis sports cars, in case they do something really stupid, I can just roll over them. I would drive a TANK if I could. By the way, I really don't want to race you, but If you press the issue, I will make a valiant attempt to make you look stupid in front of all your buddies in the car, so they can make fun of you for at least 6 months because you've been beaten by a MOM!! Also, it will ensure that my kids will think I'm cooler. Please don't pull up next to me in the drive thru with your music so loud that I can't hear my sweet little cherub in the 3rd row seat telling me what they'd like to order for dinner and if they'd like fries with that. It makes me very angry. There is enough room for me to squeeze out of the car between the drivers side and the building. Don't be the one that makes me do it. If we stop at a stop light, and I can hear your music, you will know if I don't like it. I have a soccer mom mobile, but I also have a system. Mine apparently has volume control, and there's knobs for things other than bass. If you are unlucky enough to be the same person that was being rude behind me at the drive thru, now would be the time you should watch out for flying pickles. Ladies, please do not put your makeup on or style your hair while you're driving, you were supposed to do that at home, you should have gotten up earlier, took a shorter shower, dressed faster, or not given in to your husband and his begging for a quickie. Don't talk on the phone if you can't do two things at once. Why do you need a DVD player in the front seat of your car? How can you watch AND drive?
I could go on and on all night with this, but I better stop here. It's almost time for me to take my 9 year old for his first guitar lesson. It's downtown. I can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing already at the thought of the things I will encounter while driving there!